BREAKING NEWS: UberKinky mascot, Jeff, has been found safe and well after becoming marooned on a desert island somewhere off the coast of America. Stranded for over a week, he was discovered drifting on a Louisiana Lounger in the Atlantic Ocean 10 days after his private jet, the UberKinky Airbus, crash landed. Floating alongside him was an Anal Shot Put he subsequently referred to as Wilson. Now at home and resting, he had this to say, “Thank you all so much for your kind words and wishes. I only hope that with the skills and knowledge I have gained over the past 10 days, I can go on to help others that may find themselves in the same situation. Then my ordeal won’t have been in vain.” He was on his way to a prestigious fetish event at the time of his crash, and carrying with him all of his favourite BDSM gear. Despite the toll it has taken on him, Jeff has worked tirelessly alongside UberKinky since his rescue, to ensure this Survival Guide’s release.
So, what do you do when you find yourself alone on a desert island, with just the contents of your bondage bag to aid your survival?
FIRE… der, der, der!
Sure, we UberKinky pyros love making sparks fly when it comes to tantalising temperature play and warped wax play. But, when you find yourself marooned on a desert island, like Jeff here, fire is essential to your survival. Not only will it keep you warm, it will cook your food and can be used as a means of signalling for help. We don’t want you popping your clogs too soon now do we? After all, where would the world be without torturous talent and sadistic style like yours? So, you may be a tiny bit terrified, just like a little sissy sub undergoing a bout of brutal BDSM play, but all you need to do is whip out your two favourite canes and start wielding them with vigour. Follow these simple step by step instructions and we promise, with your newfound skills, you’ll be ON FIRE!
- Explore the area to find anything you can use as tinder. Chances are there’ll be a good few coconut husks lying around. There’s always coconut trees on desert islands, right?! If not; you’re screwed! In fact, you may as well just give up now.
- Find a sharp rock and use it to create a point at the end of one of your canes. Take a moment to pat yourself on the back, preferably not with said cane.
- Get a grip! Not just emotionally, we mean literally… get a grip of your other cane. Use the same rock to create a flat spot in the centre of this cane (width and length). Keep going until it is approximately 8 inches long.
- Stabilise your wood. I mean, we realise it’s exciting, but please! Wedge something underneath one end of your second cane and sit on the other.
- Insert your other instrument into the groove and hold it tightly with one hand on top of the other, near the base. At a 45° angle, start pushing it back and forth.
- Increase the pressure and speed of thrusting as the friction increases. Faster and faster, until you get a glimpse of the white stuff. Smoke, that is. You’ll start to see more smoke and charred bits of cane.
- SMOKIN! At this point your cane should continue to smoke, even when you stop rubbing it. Pull apart the fibres of your coconut husk and press it up against the cane. Turn it over and tap so that the burnt bits (coal) tip into the husk. Loosely cover over with more husk so that it is protected from the wind. Then, we don’t need no water, let the motherfu**er burn!
- Patience you must have, my young padawan! Now the heat must build gradually, however; blowing gently may help. When the smoke gets thicker, wave it in the air like you don’t care. It should be a flaming good fire at this point.
- Add more wood shavings and tinder. Fear not if your fire goes out, as long as there’s still quite a lot of heat and smoke, you can resuscitate it using the same techniques as before.
- All that’s left to do is gloat: I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE, AND I BRING YOU FIRE! Que Jeff dancing around the fire in a ritualistic style.
Is this a joke?! You’ve obviously crash landed on a tropical island that’s the image of paradise! In which case you’re surrounded by a large body of sea that’s as clear as your favourite glass butt plug. It’s practically begging to be drunk. Of course, there is a catch, one which Jeff identified quite quickly. As he was running towards the sea in a slow motion, Baywatch style fashion, water splashing over his toned and muscular physique, it suddenly occurred to him that this is salt water. Drinking this while stranded on a desert island only seeks to make you more dehydrated. Our kidneys produce pee that is less salty than seawater. Therefore, to get rid of all the excess salt in the body would require much more water than it provides. Don’t get bummed out though; there are other ways you can use this water to rehydrate yourself, so long as you have your trusty enema with you. Find a teensy amount of disgusting, unsanitary fresh water to combine it with and voila; an enema recipe fit for a king/queen. The rectum absorbs water, minus salt and contaminates, plus; if like Jeff you’re a bit of a klismaphiliac, it could make your stay on the island that little bit more enjoyable ;)
Of course, it’s not always practical to give yourself an enema and it doesn’t hydrate as well as drinking does. Because Jeff simply loves watching all of those survival programmes, he remembered how enthusiastic Bear Grylls always seems to be about drinking his own urine. As such, he thought he’d give it a try. At this point, Jeff didn’t have a pot to piss in! But, luckily he was able to drink directly from the source with his Oxballs Piss-Hose. The hose reached round to his mouth with ease and he gulped down the golden nectar. So make sure you keep yours to hand; you never know when a situation like this may arise!
If, like Bear Grylls, you’re a vegan, you may struggle with this bit! Hang on a minute, that can’t be right… Anyway, first thing’s first, you’re going to need to camouflage yourself. Pull out your trusty tail butt plug and stick it in your ass. Sorry, but I’m afraid there’s no time to enjoy it, we have work to do. Next; don your Leather Dog Hood and get into character by crawling around on all fours. Be at one with nature so that other animals don’t feel threatened. Lull them into a false sense of security and then BAM! Here’s a couple of techniques that Jeff learned during his time on the island;
How to Catch Fish
How to Make a Snare
- Cut your bondage rope down to size using your Round Ended Medical Scissors
- Using a slip knot to create a noose, ensure that All Hope is Gone for the unsuspecting creature
- Anchor your bondage, I mean snare, by tying the single end to a sharp stick and digging it securely into the ground
- Stick it to ‘em - drape the noose over two slender twigs that you have fixed into the ground
- Wait it out…
What springs to mind when you hear the word camp? Well, if you’re anything like us, it’s likely to be rainbows and glitter, not pitching tents and getting to grips with the great outdoors! However, when you’re stuck in the wilderness, like our beloved Jeff here, there’s not much choice of 5* accommodation. So, it’s time to pool your resources and make do with what you’ve got. Luckily, when Jeff thought about ‘pooling’ his resources, he remembered that he had his favourite Sheets of San Francisco bedding with him! Here is his UberKinky step by step guide to creating shelter and getting a good night’s sleep;
- Take one Sheets of San Francisco Waterproof Fitted Sheet and one Sheets of San Francisco Printed Waterproof Throw. Allow yourself a moment to bask in their exquisite detail
- Pull yourself together; there’s no time for getting distressed! Lie one sheet on top of the other (largest on top) and staple them both together along the two longest sides and one of the shorter sides, using your Advan Disposable Skin Stapler
- Get erect! Keep the centre of the remaining side open and upright by piercing the top sheet with your scissors and attaching it to a tree. Keep both sides anchored with rocks to maintain a wide, open entrance
- Prepare for things to get a little hot! Take your warming lube and apply generously from the neck down. Trust us; it’s going to get cold. Sure you’ll be slippery, but that will just aid you in getting into your LateX Sauna Sleepsack
- Arm yourself with your Manrammer so that you can ward off any predators or potential threats during the night
- Enter your tent and slide into your sleepsack. Now you can dream of being in some far away land where there’s sand, sea and sunshine. Oh no, wait…!